“Not all those who wander are lost.”

make1Left

“Not all those who wander are lost.” J.R.R. Tolkien
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I’ve never read Tolkien’s work, but this quote is on a stitch marker I use quite often because it’s a reminder to myself that my wandering doesn’t mean I’m lost.
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I spent several hours reading letters from Tolkien to try to figure out his politics. I still haven’t come to any conclusions on that. Rabbit hole scaled and back out again.
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My brain and heart and feelings are equally all over the place. So it seems right. Earlier this week we received letters that our children have been granted the right to live in The Netherlands (and by extension the EU) for the rest of their lives. This is not citizenship, but nearly. The right is granted for life. Only the document expires (like a passport).
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It changes everything, and yet nothing changes at all from what it is now. The paradox. The joy. The grief. The unbelievable relief. The fear. Yes there’s fear because did we really do this?
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It’s still unbelievable to me that after 15.5 years we’ve reached this moment.
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It’s left me in a state of shock, joy, grief, everything. Unable to explain. Unable to keep from explaining. Unable to feel anything and able to feel everything. Breathless and finally able to breathe. I feel like I’m about to fly away and at the same time that I’m rooted in a new way. ⠀

This is the last day of my 43rd year. It seems like a fitting way to end this year and this decade that I feel lost and found all at the same time. ⠀

But I’m not lost. I’m a wanderer, a wayfinder. And I’ve found a way. And it feels like home.
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[Photo. by @kbredbeck A silver circle stitch marker on a chain attached to wooden needles resting on my lap. The knitting is a blue yarn from @janinecamijn for @crossandwoods. The marker says Not all those who wander are lost. End.]

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